


Flower Boy

by igbtbora



Category: Stray Kids
Genre: Angst, Hanahaki Disease, M/M, Pining, Unrequited Love, but hey at least no one dies, changjin - Freeform, changlix, i spent two hours trying to find the perfect flowers, like so much angst for real, so pls appreciate them, sorry idk how to tag, woojin is mentioned once
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-25
Updated: 2019-05-25
Packaged: 2020-03-17 08:59:30
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,636
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18962062
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/igbtbora/pseuds/igbtbora
Summary: Felix loved flowers. He was the resident flower boy of their group, all sunshines and crowns made of daisies. He had a small garden that mimicked the one his parents had back home, and he knew all the most interesting facts about the most interesting flowers. He supposed it really shouldn’t have come as a shock when he started coughing them up too.





	Flower Boy

**Author's Note:**

> hiiii ! this is the first work that i've posted on here so pls go easy on me :// leave comments and stuff pls !! tell me if you like it <3

Dear Changbin,

 

If you’re reading this, I guess you already know that I’m gone. Kinda ironic, isn’t it? That the two things I love the most would be the ones to put me through this much pain and suffering.

 

But it’s not your fault, hyung. It never was; you didn’t know. I suppose I should have told you, but you’d been so happy lately and I didn’t want to ruin anything for you.

 

Do you remember the first time we met?

 

We were seven. I was playing in my parents’ garden, out on the front lawn. Summer had just been starting, but the heat didn’t stop either of us from going out. My parents were at work, but they trusted me enough to leave me alone in the house.

 

You’d just moved into the house across from us, and I could see you playing outside with your sister. I frowned at the sight; my sisters never wanted to play with me like that.

 

I picked up a rose. Its petals were painted a dark crimson color, and it stood out from the whites and the pinks that decorated the sidewalk. It was beautiful, but I didn’t realize the amount of thorns it had until one of them pricked the side of my palm.

 

You heard my cries and rushed to my side. You, a complete stranger who didn’t even know my name, grabbed your sister and pulled me into your home to treat my hand.

 

After then, we’d been inseparable. Twelve years and tons of broken korean conversations later, we were thick as thieves. Best friends. Iconic duo. From that point on, it had been Changbin and Felix, never one on their own.

 

So, it made sense we went everywhere together, including the same university. That’s where we met everyone else, right? That’s where we met the whole gang, where two became nine.

 

It happened the first time the night of your birthday, when you pulled me aside from everybody else and poured your heart out to me. You thanked me for being your best friend, you thanked me for getting my hand cut from the thorn. You thanked me for always being there for you, for never leaving you despite the many complications we’d had in the past. I smiled and hugged you so tight.

 

When you left, I went to grab a drink. As soon as I gulped down the soda, I immediately started coughing. I didn’t know why, but it hurt. It wasn’t the normal type of cough. 

 

Then I looked down, and saw a tiny little daisy petal, floating in my cup.

 

I knew what it meant. I knew what was happening. How could I not? After all, I was the flower boy of the group.

 

August 11, 2018 was the day I realized I was in love with you.

 

Daisies are a symbol of innocence, of hope. Back then I guess I didn’t know much, only one thing was for certain and those were my feelings for you.

 

I hid it, of course. It would have been embarrassing for me. I remember thinking, hey, _maybe it isn’t that serious. It’ll probably go away soon._

 

But a few weeks later and the daisies turned into asters, flowers that paint a picture of love and daintiness. I guess the petals were trying to say my feelings for you were careful, delicate, beautiful. I disagreed. I didn’t see how any of this was delicate.

 

The one night, you called me. It was a little before midnight but I wasn’t asleep. I was too busy hunched over the toilet, wheezing as the asters continued rising from my throat. I stayed silent while you were talking, telling me about how Hyunjin had kissed you in the greenhouse of the university. Your voice was happy and excited, your words filled with a true joy, and I had to struggle to swallow the petals that dared to come out.

 

Before you hung up, you said something to me.

 

“He makes me really happy, Lix. He’s such a good person.”

 

I remember thinking, _do I not make you happy? Am I not a good person?_

 

As soon as the line went dead, I moved to hunch over the toilet as petals once again started forcing themselves out of me. It hurt, I could feel them in my lungs, but I had no other choice than to cough them out.

 

But this time, it wasn’t aster petals. What fell from my mouth were pieces of yellow carnations, a sign of disappointment and rejection. I hate crying, but that night I sobbed. I sobbed and coughed as the weight in my chest grew heavier and heavier.

 

I knew then I couldn’t tell you. Not when you’d found a source of happiness.

 

I decided the best thing for me then was to distance myself from you. It didn’t work out, of course. All it did was turn the carnations into pink camellias, which stood for longing. The more space I put between us, the more flowers grew in my chest.

 

A few days after you announced you and Hyunjin were officially dating, you came to my dorm. I had to cover my mouth to keep from coughing up the petals that rose to the back of my throat. I hadn’t seen you for weeks.

 

That’s what you said. You said you missed me, you missed your best friend. But that’s just it, isn’t it? Best friend; that’s all I’d ever be.

 

I put on a pained smile. I told you I was happy for you and Hyunjin. I was, really, and I still am; I wasn’t lying about that. You deserve to be happy, hyung, and I’m truly glad you found that happiness within him.

 

You smiled back. You hugged me and told me that I would still be your number one.

 

That night, the camellias were replaced by primroses. I’ve told you before, haven’t I? What primroses stand for?

 

Eternal love.

 

Chan came by a few days later, claiming he and I should have some Aussie bro bonding time. He caught me, hunched over the kitchen sink in my dorm, coughing up whole primrose flowers. After that, it started to hurt to even breathe, and Chan had to guide me to my bed for some rest.

 

That moment I fully understood why he and Woojin are the mom friends of the group. Chan looked at me with so much care and concern, handled me with gentleness and was patient when I resumed coughing petals onto the soft sheets. The way his gaze felt like made me tell him everything, made me explain to him why I hadn’t been spending much time with you guys and why I’d been isolating myself from everyone.

 

It hurt to talk, with the flower petals threatening to come out from inside me, but I wanted him to know. I couldn’t keep this secret up forever.

 

Chan told me something, something that made me laugh like, _wow, why hadn’t I thought of that?_

 

“Why don’t you get them surgically removed?”

 

I suppose I could have, you know. But I heard that it wouldn’t just be the flowers that would be taken out from me. The feelings would, too. And on rare occasion, the memories of you, Changbin. I didn’t want to forget.

 

So I shook my head and merely sent him a smile.

 

I confided in Chan. I trusted that he wouldn’t tell anyone, and he didn’t. He helped me a lot and was my emotional support system for the next two months.

 

Chan-hyung, if you’re reading this, thank you. And I’m sorry we couldn’t go back home to Australia together like we’d planned.

 

I didn’t want to write this letter, Changbin. I really didn’t, but last week the primroses disappeared. Instead came begonias. Not just petals, but whole begonias, coupled with blood that stained my lips every time I coughed.

 

Begonias stand for warning. My body, the flowers, they were warning me I didn’t have much time left. They were telling me I was nearing the end. If I didn’t make a decision quickly, it would soon be out of my hands.

 

The begonias went away fairly quickly. A couple days ago I started throwing iberis up. Candytufts, as they’re more commonly known as, symbolize indifference.

 

Indifference. I realized that it didn’t matter to me whether I lived or died. None of it would make a difference, if you still don’t love me the way you love Hyunjin. So I’ve made my peace with the fact that I barely have enough time left here on this earth. I’ve made peace with the fact that I can do nothing to stop this, that I _chose_ not to stop this.

 

In the middle of writing this letter, it started hurting more. Everything started hurting more. I can feel it, hyung, I can feel the roots growing in my chest, the thorns pricking my lungs. I’ve started coughing up whole valerians. If you didn’t know, they stand for readiness.

 

I think I’m ready to make the pain go away.

 

That’s all I want right now, to have the pain disappear. To have the thorns stop cutting my insides, to stop the flowers from forcing their way up my throat. I feel so suffocated, Changbin-hyung. It’s getting harder to breathe and I’m scared the blood is getting thicker and darker.

 

I’m gonna end this now. I love you, Seo Changbin. I’ve loved you the moment I laid eyes on you, and I fell in love with you while not even realizing it. You’re the best person I have in my life, I’m thankful that the universe made me pick up that stupid rose so that our paths would meet. Ironic, isn’t it? A flower was how we met, and now a flower is what’s going to separate us together.

 

I just want you to know, hyung, that I don’t want you to feel bad. Move on with your life, enjoy it with Hyunjin and the others. Go travel like you wanted and do whatever you want. Live your life for me, for yourself.

 

I love you, hyung. I always will.

 

Your number one,

Felix x

 

The blonde finishes signing his name, groaning in pain once he feels another flower clawing up his throat. He brings his hands up to his mouth and coughs it out. When he looks down, a cluster of pastel pink cyclamens stand out from the dark blood that has stained his hands since last night. It’s starting to hurt more, he wasn’t lying. He’s struggling to even inhale shallowly and breathing out hurts ten thousand times more.

 

Felix chuckles humorlessly, his chest stinging in pain. Cyclamens symbolize goodbyes.

 

Felix wipes his hands down with the towel on his table, then proceeds to fold the letter and place it inside the envelope laced with the pressed daisies Felix had kept preserved from when his condition first made itself clear.

 

He can’t ignore the throbbing pain in his head anymore, and he can’t process the urgent knocks that resound on the door. The tears that he tried so hard to keep from bursting start falling, and he closes his eyes, throwing his head back as he lets out another pained groan.

 

The roots are getting thicker and thicker, and sobs are racking through Felix’s body as he coughs and coughs, the flowers ending up on the floor laying next to his feet.

 

He supposes it’s poetic, the tears and blood mixing with the wrinkled petals in his hands. He manages to grip the edge of his desk, manages to pull himself to his feet and stand on wobbly knees.

 

He can’t hold himself up for long, though, as he doubles over and falls to his knees. The carpet under himself feels soft, and he forces himself to draw his attention to that instead of the pressure building in his chest as he coughs out more flowers. He watches with blurry vision as the blood seeps between his fingers and into the carpet.

 

The knocks on the door haven’t stopped, but the only thing Felix can comprehend is the sound of his groans over the roots wrapping around the organs inside of him.

 

His head is cloudy, hazy, and he fully collapses onto the floor. He closes his eyes and heaves out heavily. The pain is searing, traveling from his heart and spreading through his body like wildfire. He wants to stop it, he really wants to, but he knows he can’t. He has no other choice. He knows what he has to do.

 

So Felix takes one last breath, imagining Changbin’s smile one last time before letting the pain consume him entirely.

 

 

Changbin steps out of the supermarket, bag of groceries in hand as he makes his way to his car. He’s whistling along to the song that’s been stuck in his head for days, thinking about how weird he must look to bystanders as he bops his head to the tune only he can hear. With his phone in hand, he smiles down at the text Hyunjin’s just sent him, how he’d be back from work earlier than usual.

 

Suddenly, he bumps into someone, the impact making him let go of the bad in his hands as they both stumble to the concrete.

 

The stranger immediately goes to pick up the fallen goods, apologies stumbling out of his mouth. “I wasn’t looking where I was going, sorry.”

 

Changbin freezes.

 

His eyes are still on the hard ground. He refuses to look up, refuses to put a face on the voice that sounds all too familiar to him.

 

“Sir, are you okay?” The stranger places a soft hand on his shoulder. “Is everything alright?”

 

“Um, yeah.” Changbin gulps, shrugging the small hand off his shoulder. He still refuses to meet the stranger’s eyes as he collects his groceries from him. “Sorry, and thanks.”

 

“It’s cool,” The stranger smiles softly, but his eyebrows furrow in worry when he sees the tears that prickle in Changbin’s eyes. “Hey, you sure you’re okay?”

 

Changbin nods, closing his eyes for a brief moment before finally picking his gaze up and forcing himself to look at the stranger.

 

He’s dyed his hair brown again, the rich deep chocolate shade that Changbin hasn’t seen for years. His eyes are still the same, shining with happiness and wrinkling at the corners when he smiled. His smile, still as bright as ever, even when he’s looking at Changbin with concern.

 

"Yeah? Cause you’re kinda crying right now,” Felix chuckles, trying to lighten the mood.

 

_He doesn’t remember me._

 

“Yeah, I’m fine.” Changbin says finally, clearing his throat and wiping a stray tear away. “Sorry, it’s just been a weird day.”

 

“I understand,” Felix smiles again. “Well, see you around?”

 

“Mhm,” Changbin smiles back. Before he can bite his tongue back, however, he starts speaking again. “Actually, wait. Your necklace, where’d you get it from?”

 

“Oh, this?” Felix instinctively brings a hand up to fiddle with the charm that dangled from his neck. Encased in a flat glass container is a cluster of pressed daisies, formed in the shape of a C. “My friend Chan gave it to me after I went through surgery. He says it’s supposed to mean something important to me, but I just think it’s pretty. I like flowers a lot, actually.”

 

“Ah, I see,” Changbin sends him a smile, and he hopes the pain that stings his heart isn’t visible. “Well, see you around, I guess.”

 

“See you around.” Felix turns away, heading to the supermarket without a second thought.

 

Changbin, however, is given a lot to think about when he starts coughing, and a single flower falls to the ground.

 

A purple hyacinth.

 

The flower that stands for sorrow and regret.


End file.
